Absurd Grace

life is poetry. this is mine.
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I consistently put far more emotion into relationships than I receive. Except for my two most…

I consistently put far more emotion into relationships than I receive. Except for my two most fulfilling relationships.

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the people in a book

the people in a book

Today I think I found a new favorite author.  I finished up The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz.

And its end, so bittersweet, the richness of character formation, the passionate weaving in of sexuality and multiple languages and cultures and – *gasp*

Yeah it was kind of like that.  Akin to my ridiculously intense desire to read Pablo Neruda and Paulo Coelho.

I want to be able…

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why I didn’t do the ice bucket challenge

why I didn’t do the ice bucket challenge

Mother Fucker…

I was tagged in the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Two things:  I tend to stray away from doing the same things everyone else does.  I dunno. Maybe it’s my run as far away from people as possible gene.  Maybe it’s my fear of following the crowds.  All I can say is that jumping on the bandwagon has neverbeen my forte.   I love seeing my friends in videos – it almost makes it feel like I’m…

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Trojan woman

“No man ought to looke a geuen hors in the mouth.” —John Heywood, 1546.

If someone gifts you something, you are grateful.  But what if it’s someone you dislike? Does it make you insincere to accept?

I’ve been thinking myself Greek today.

And yesterday.

I’m trying to see my life through the eyes of one immersed in the spirit of gratitude.  Because it is in gratitude that you gain more things – not…

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this cheerleader needs a cheerleader

this cheerleader needs a cheerleader

I need a cheerleader.  But not just any old bloke will do.

I need one who exhibits all of the characteristics that I know inside myself – those dusty old things that have been sitting on the bookshelves of my soul waiting for me to get off my ass and become a perfectionist again.

There’s so much judgement in my head.  And I’m afraid to spill the beans because those are the monkey mind’s…

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filled with excuses

I’m afraid.

Not like real afraid.  It’s not the same as why I lock my bedroom door when I sleep and Seamus isn’t here.  More of an uncomfortable/avoidance fear.

My novel is fifty percent written.  Lacking editing.  I haven’t touched it in 9 months.  Maybe six.  But it’s 95 word document pages long.  33K words.  And I’ll have to go back and read it all again before I can pick up where I left off.

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never met a mushroom i didn’t like

never met a mushroom i didn’t like

There’s a certain amount of faith needed to eat mushrooms from your yard.  I know my mister “planted” (inoculated) a particular area with a particular mushroom spore.  I know he loved it and squeezed it and protected it from sunshine.  I’ve seen the same mushroom fruiting in that same area all summer.

Tonight we ate them.  It’s a bit scary considering just howpoisonous some mushrooms are.  When…

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Hidden behind the drapes

Hidden behind the drapes

I used to write because I craved the depth so impervious to find in “normal” interactions.  Because too few took the time to see beyond whatever filter through which they lived.

I’m guilty of it, too, of the shallow intercourse. But when you tow a silent line for long enough, self focus becomes a blasted expulsion and I end up in a blubbering mess on my knees begging for someone to See me.

J…

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“When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.” - James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

“When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.” – James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

“When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.”

James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

I have a girlfriend who is a lot like me.  She is constantly troubled by…

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one more thing

She says I need to take my writing more seriously.  And that others around me will follow suit.  But to expect pushback.

I keep wondering if now is just not the right time, but the logician in my head repeats to me, “There’s never a good time.”

So I plunge.  Into writing assignments and more things on my plate.  I’m scared.

But also willing to fail.  And guessing I won’t.

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this quote sat in my drafts for years

this quote sat in my drafts for years

“What becomes of words when they never find the eyes they were written for?”

Tyler Knott Gregson

On October 1st, 2012, I stopped writing.

Up to this day, I had thought it was because I had a nosy aunt spying on me.  That having a blog was more trouble than it was worth.  That putting myself out there was the problem.

When, after many months of harassment from my mother, I finally decided to log…

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I’m fermenting these days.   Today was a second jar of sauerkraut kind of day.  I started one…

I’m fermenting these days.  

Today was a second jar of sauerkraut kind of day.  I started one on July 10th, and because the next three months are going test my patience, I find it a good policy to just go ahead and create another jar of the stuff.

Maybe if I do such things every time the urge strikes, I will have a fine collection of fermenty goodness come this winter.   Perhaps I should label my…

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One of my high school BFFs/present day sister in law asked me WHY I was anorexic.  It threw me off…

One of my high school BFFs/present day sister in law asked me WHY I was anorexic.  It threw me off balance.

I quickly replied, “Well that is a very complex question.”

And then I handed her the three statements I had collected in my decades of self therapy.

1. I wanted to die.

2. I had no control over big things around me and could control food.

3. Because I was afraid of not being good enough.

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Tagged: #thrive

Tagged: #thrive